This is a bonus episode where a married couple quibble about their kids schools. Also, when do teachers poop?
U2
0:08
Hey. Welcome to Dad's. Rs podcast. Bonus episode. I'm Jesse. I go by beef Wellington. I'm joined here with a special lovely lady, my wife, Joni. And today, we're going to talk about school stuff.
U1
0:24
How. Hi. I'm Joni. I go by Joni,
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among other things. 1s Uh, what do you want to talk about first? Homework. You want to talk about homework stuff? Um,
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0:40
step right into it. Tell me what you want to talk about.
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0:43
I just said homework.
U1
0:45
Like, specifically, what about homework?
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I want to go kid by kid. Who's responsible for helping with homework? The mom or the dad? The smarter one. 2s Now, I'm not saying I helped our oldest boys a lot with homework, but they did make the honor
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1:03
roll. Okay, so you would help with the more complicated things, math, if you needed to. But, um, the older I was like, we're not Swissenians. The older ones are very good with math, so they didn't really need a whole lot of help. I was more of the creative director when it came to various projects and such that required an artistic touch.
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1:31
I want to say this is why Brody is not on the, uh, honor roll. Because of that answer right there. You help him with his homework.
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1:39
He's done. 2s I
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mean, let's be honest. When we were younger, we were all about it, man. Our kids are going to have the best projects. They're going to do the coolest things. But then we get to the youngest kid. I'm tired. We outsource this help. We send them to a tutor.
U1
1:59
Well, you also kind of made it known when he was in kindergarten, when I tasked you with doing a project with him that was in the artistic realm, and you're like, no, you're doing it yourself. And he shows up with some poster board and some marker drawn all over it. And obviously, when he brings his project into everybody, all the parents helped with their kids projects. 1s I'm not saying it's not bullshit saying 1s ours looks so dumb because you let our kid actually do it himself.
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2:35
I was just following directions. And I think these other parents need to stop being so damn extra and let their kids make projects.
U1
2:44
I don't disagree with that.
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This all started we're not good at projects because this reminds me of a story why Taylor and Troy and, yes, I'll use their names. I don't care, uh, why they learned how to use scissors so late in life. So remember,
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3:02
you haven't brought this up yet. No,
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I have. So many stories.
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So many of your stories are told incorrectly, but we'll put a pin in that. Thank
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you. This episode is going to be brought to fact checkers. Uh, brought to you by fact Checkers are US. That's why they had a wife to it. She's going to correct everything I say. All right. If I say this story or I embellish or I say something or misspeak because words matter.
U1
3:32
You do that a lot. Yeah.
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3:34
You have free rein to jump in and stop
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me. Oh, I know I don't need your permission for that, but thank you.
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3:40
Okay. So there I was. You were working. They get AAA back in the day. We're in Phoenix. 1s And I'm home watching the kids alone. And this was an epic day to start with because Taylor that morning, decided to take our five TV remotes. That's how it was back in the 90s. Actually, that was the double ops. Yeah, the Double Ops, is that how you say it? Anyways, we had like five remote controllers. He put them all in the toilet, just being a good boy that's things go in the toilet and tried to flush them. So, um, I spent all morning taking care of that. But it was also the day I was trying to cut their
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4:21
hair. Didn't Troy put them in the toilet because Taylor was older? He would have not done that. That seems something like a toddler would have done. Well, I
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4:31
thought Taylor took the blame. Yes. Fact checkers are ah us already jumping in with the correction. It could have been Troy. Troy, yeah, he was younger. That probably actually makes more sense now that you say that 2s he was just getting potty trained. That's probably legit. Regardless, it doesn't matter. I had to pull TV remotes out of the toilet. So here's the thing. We were trying to save money back then. We were young, paycheck to paycheck. And I was like, we broke, we broke, broke. Zille so tuna helper four nights a week. That was gross. Anyways, I was trying to cut their hair and I'm going to tell you, it was the best haircut for my first time ever that ever gave any four and two year old. It was legit. But then when I even called to tell you how great it looked 2s and I'm humbled.
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So
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humble. I'm very humble. Taylor the four year old walks around the corner, and him and Troy are just holding handful of hair. So as I'm telling you how great their haircut is, I'm like, but just so you know, when you come home, they're going to have shaved heads, because I'm looking at cancer patients. They had splotches all over their hair. This is 2003, and we didn't have the cell phones then like we do now. I should have just taken a bunch of pictures just to immortalize it. And I was just like, uh, what happened? He goes, we cut hair too, Daddy. And it's just all over. So I'm cleaning that up. I end up shaving their head. So we fast forward a year, of
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6:10
course. All right, I do want to step in. The story is a little off. You
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6:16
continue. This
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is what I get. I get a phone call at work. 1s I was working as AAA dispatcher in Phoenix, and I get a call on my work phone, and I'm like, whatever I said back then, I don't remember. But 1s first thing you said was, okay, don't get mad. That's what you adult.
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6:41
Okay, I believe you. And
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then you told me you had to shave their head because they cut each other's hair. I have
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6:48
no idea what fundamentally changed from what my version your
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version said that when you told me you gave him the great haircut, then it was like that moment. I know I'm, um, being very specific, but sometimes words
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matter. This podcast ain't going to work out if you're going to quit like that. That's what we liked in the biz called Quibbling. Did that effectively change anything I said? In fact, I would almost say you made the story worse.
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7:18
I feel like you made it
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worse. I would sell a great
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story. Uh, anyways, continue.
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I will fast forward a year. Fast forward to taylor, uh, is five years old, and we have a charter school down the street. And us being young parents, I did not know that. Did you know kindergartens? 1s It's like a tryout. That's what it felt like. And they had to take all these aptitude tests because apparently yeah,
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they don't do that in public schools. They do
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that in the charter schools. Yeah. So they had six different classes for kindergarten. And this was Joyce like, no, technically, he's five for whatever. Six classes. I don't remember that. 2s The best part was, hey, can you read? Yes. Can you count to 100? Yes. And they're like, yeah, your son did so great. He's going to be in the smart class. Or they said, we're going to put him in with his peers. Like, peers. That's what they said. And it was like, our babysitters like, no, man, that's a smart class. But the teacher came and asked you one thing that was very specific. She goes, we tried to give Taylor. 1s Some scissors to see if he could cut out some shapes. First shape was a circle out of paper. And he took the scissors. And apparently, uh, since I locked and hid all the scissors in the house over the last year, because he cut his hair, he didn't know how to use them. So he took the scissors and he tried stabbing the circle with the tip of the
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scissors, stabbing the paper.
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And I was like,
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she's asking me. Um, well, I had asked her. I was like, oh, how do you do? She's like, oh, good. It was just this little problem with we had him cut out stuff and you just started stabbing the paper. And I was like, well, we haven't really let me sister,
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9:14
are we psycho parents or do we look like we're raising a psycho child? But
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when I told her it's because he cut his little brother's hair all off,
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oh. Then it made sense to her. Then
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it made sense to her because she's like, here I am thinking we're safe parents. We're not going to let them have scissors. And then she's looking at it, she's like, they're teaching her kid to stab everything. So I have no idea. Oh, well.
U2
9:42
Yeah, that was fun. God, we got a lot of stories like that. Uh, well,
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last and only child ever had to do a kindergarten
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screaming. Yeah. The other ones didn't. In fact, I do remember him. So it was a religious school?
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9:57
Christian school.
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9:58
Yeah, Christian school. I do remember getting a phone call. I always get the phone calls where they're like super bad. Like you get the phone calls when they're like, sick? Uh,
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10:07
no. Also was called at work. And the principal wants to tell me, taylor, he's going to need to go home today because
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10:15
did you know they kick five year olds out of school if they're bad? We learned that one, too.
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10:21
I was like, oh, gosh, what did he do? Well, he said a word that starts with A and ends with whole. And I'm like, I just don't even need this right now. I'm like, well, let me call my husband because he's actually at home right now.
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10:38
So I go in there. Taylor, he's sitting in the principal's office and stuff. That's not all he did that day. He was like playing grand the bathroom. 1s He was like crawling underneath the stalls, like low crawling. Like he was like invading Vietnam or something to watch a kid, I don't know. And then he sat hole. 1s So I walk in that big no no in Christian school, especially for five
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11:06
well, in any school, really. Jesse.
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11:09
Well, I mean, there's some public schools. I think you could get away
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11:12
with it. Uh, people say in middle school. Yeah,
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11:15
mhm. Okay. 1s Yeah. He was ahead of his time. He was advanced. He was like a high schooler he's dropping listen to your ahole. All right. So I go I walk in this principal's office. He looks at me like he just won the lottery. He's like, oh, yeah, that's my dad's. Super happy. Super happy to see me. And I was like, all right. And then the principal walks out and he looks like his blood pressure is super high. His shirt is too tight around his neck. He's got the tie on. He goes, oh, Mr. Barnes, let's have a discussion. And he sits down, he's going through the laundry list, taylor's rap sheet, and what he's going through and how horrible his day was. And then he's trying to tell me he said the A word. And I'm like, yeah, uh, that's what I hear. He goes, he said he learned it from you? I'm like, probably. I swear all the time I didn't know. Like he was yelling at me like I was in trouble.
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12:15
Yeah. Somehow, just
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12:18
to paint the picture how I looked, I was in uniform. Just walked off a flight line, covered head to toe in oil and grease. 2s I looked I was a schwetty. You m think I look classy or no, you think I look classy. You're shaking your head.
U1
12:37
Because I remember that you were off that day. So I don't know why you would be in your uniform.
U2
12:42
No, I thought I was in uniform.
U1
12:44
No, you were off that day.
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12:46
How do you remember these stories so differently?
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12:48
Because why else would I call you to go get
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12:51
him? Because I was, uh, nine nights home. 2s Maybe that's how it was. Maybe you were still on night, and when you came home, you were still in your uniform.
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13:03
Details. Okay? No one cares about
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that. Yeah. 2s So then we walk ashamed, right? Taylor's all disappointed, can't go home, play video games. He's mad. 2s Walk, uh, into the classroom. And his teacher's like, I just don't know what happened to him. He's having a crazy day. I was like, yeah, Tuesdays. Ah. Yeah, man. So we brought him back, and I, uh, think the next time he got in trouble or kicked out of school or majorly, 1s I should say, next time he got caught, he learned a life lesson at five not to get caught.
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13:44
He very much was as the oldest okay, sorry. But the smartest of the kids, believe
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it or not. Yeah, he's definitely the
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smartest is very much a people pleaser. So he basically learned how to manipulate adults.
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Him. 1s He still tries now. Caught onto that bullshit. Yeah, I think his senior high school got caught sneaking into, uh, 1s a, uh, girl's hotel room, visiting a softball player from a different
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14:16
high school. Girls were in his room. They were giving him lap dances.
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14:20
I think he snuck into the girls room.
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14:22
No, they came to his him and his buddy's room and they were all twerking on
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14:27
him. Wow. Uh,
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and they got kicked off the
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team. Here's what really
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14:32
happened. Those girls did
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the girls roommates because it was in the girls room, ratted
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them out. Was it that way? Yes. For the record, it was proven later that Jesse was wrong and Joni was right. These girls snuck into Taylor's room like Santa in the night.
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14:52
To be fair, though, these girls from this other high school because we're up in Japan. Yeah, twerking. God. Do you remember that part? That was funny. Uh, I
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15:01
always remember anytime there's twerking involved and my son
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15:07
I bet you will. I think a mom would remember any twerking involving their son. 1s You yeah. Well, one of the girls roommates was, like the daughter of the principal. So it's almost like, um, foregone conclusions. You got to turn them in. Parent teacher conferences. You like them or don't like
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15:25
them? I'm going to light this candle.
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15:30
So you love them.
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15:32
We're not naming names of kids. I'm just saying that if you have to talk to me about when you can and cannot have your bowel movements during your work day, like, you're the teacher. 2s I don't want to hear that shit.
U2
15:51
I totally forgot that was when we used to do parent teacher conferences together, and the teacher would literally tell us when she takes a shit during the school day. She's like, So I am, um, by trade. I mean, I am a substitute teacher, but you're in the biz, a personal trainer, so people want to tell me their reasons why they can't eat or drink or do the things that they need to do. So, yeah, I don't want to hear about your BMS. Um, I don't want to hear about any of that. You can say
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16:27
shit, but as, okay? I don't want to hear about dopes,
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16:32
about anybody's beef Wellington's.
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16:35
Uh, basically, I'm a full time teacher now. 2s I teacher in parentheses here. Um,
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16:44
like a fake teacher. Huh? Like when I was a fake commander back in the day. You're a fake
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16:49
teacher. I'm a feature. A
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16:51
feature. You are a feature. The boys are simply I will give you
U1
16:55
that. And so it's so hard to drink the amount of water you need to drink. And then I always just keep my lunch with me because it's, like, pain in the butt to do anything else. So, anyway, I'm like, uh, we're supposed to be talking about our kid, but you're wanting to tell me how you start trying to hire me, but then telling me why you can't eat right? Or drink anything because you have to take as soon as you eat.
U2
17:23
I will say it's wild. I will say 2s our youngest son I don't care. Was handed our youngest son was all right.
U1
17:33
You literally just called out.
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17:34
We didn't say what the lady's name was, what school? What country? 3s I'm just saying that Brody has been dealt brody has been dealt a like, he had crazy teachers. Let's be honest. He's had crazy teachers his first three years, and I could spot crazy teachers. My mom's a teacher. My wife's a fake teacher. I know teachers. Yeah, I party with a lot of teachers. Cool ones. Cool ones. 1s I'm going down the list. I'm like, crazy, crazy.
U1
18:09
Tell the story. Which has nothing to do with your podcast.
U2
18:15
What's the story? Tell me. What the story? What you want to talk about
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18:19
teachers. That
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18:20
no, we're not doing that story. No, we're not doing that story. I'm not doing that story.
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18:26
Maybe for another day.
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18:30
I hit my limit on masturbation. Talk with I'm just saying that's another story. I'm not even getting into that 1s either. So that's why Brody comes over to the States, basically hits fourth grade, and they're like, yeah, he's behind in math by two years. So he going to
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18:48
no, third grade.
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18:50
Third grade, he's behind. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. So we got to get him tutored up in Arkansas, but now he goes to school, he gets kicked out of field trips. I'm like, I don't think he's a bad kid, but maybe the teachers aren't crazy. Maybe our kids maybe he's a bad kid. I never say kids are bad, though. I just say they do hijinks. They're jokey.
U1
19:10
Uh, annoying. 2s Because he opposite. Taylor not a people. Basically, 2s he thinks he's funny. People might not think it's funny in that moment. That's all that's about. Those people are dumb. I'm not saying he makes the best choices, okay? But one thing that he is not 1s is he's not a bully. Um, he's just an idiot. Okay? There's a difference.
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19:45
Yeah.
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19:47
I work with bullies, and I work with bad kids, and I work with is there bullies? The
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19:52
kids don't fight nowadays. They just say mean things to each other online. Well,
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19:58
here's the thing. Even friends say mean things to each other. So you have to be able to learn and differentiate between who is bullying and who is just razzing their friends. And unless you build those relationships and understand what's going on, it all looks like talking bullying.
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20:19
I got to get in there and do something. Would you ever let me be a teacher?
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20:23
If you retired from your current position, you could do that. Like, if you like being poor.
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20:31
If, uh, I like being poor. I like kids. 1s I need this podcast to take off so I could be a teacher.
U1
20:38
No, you're great with kids. That's why I married you. Uh, 2s fellas, I knew you were like I was
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20:48
like I was a
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provider. I have my
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20:52
babies. 2s The kids growing up, before they even hit school, all we did was play video games all day. That's how that was my parenting skills. But
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21:01
even with the older ones and then you were so invested. Okay, now I think we both kind of let Brody just kind of fall off. But 3s you were so good. Like, you coached them. You poorly. Sports with them poorly. Did a lot of stuff with
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21:21
them. I did do a lot of stuff with them. All poorly. Did I tell you I was a guest speaker in my mom's class? She taught kindergarten. I had to talk to three classes of kindergartners.
U1
21:30
Oh, yeah, that was cute.
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21:32
I didn't teach him the word learn my lesson. So 1s what? 1s I gave, uh, I gave them all call signs, and then I gave him a sucker, and I told them about missiles and airplanes. The problem is, you can only come up with so many call signs for girls, so they all fought over being called Sparkles.
U1
21:50
That's so sexist, Dump Kang. I
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21:52
just didn't have a lot of girl nicknames. Listen here, sugar pants. You want to be sugar
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pants? Absolutely.
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You'd be, sugar pants. I'll be beef Wellington.
U1
22:01
Beef Wellington? Just because we had Beef Wellington last night at our friend's house? Yeah. 2s Best call sign ever.
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22:12
You want to complain about
U1
22:13
very hearty. Very,
U2
22:15
um since I'm complaining, you know, what the difference between so good at complaining? Okay, well, think about when our kids, who are adult kids were going back to school back in the day. You know what they didn't have? All these online school accounts and apps and 1s 18 different ways. So now that you're a substitute teacher and you got to deal with the emails and apps and the grades, 1s do these schools buy the software? Like, the crappiest? Hey, let's take a look at what we got here. That's, uh, the crappiest version. I want that. I feel like that's what they're doing. I shouldn't bash on schools to try and save money, right? 2s Being an elderly part out. 3s Um 3s wow. Live and breaking news on the air. We just found out that my wife has been let go of sexy teaching. Monday will be her last day.
U1
23:15
Who
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23:16
cares? It's only two weeks of school left anyways, and you won't have to deal with any uh, no,
U1
23:20
I'm actually happy, but I feel like this is in response to the email I sent my teacher. 1s I call her my teacher. She's the one that I'm long term subbing for. She is amazing. I am
U2
23:36
a tech teacher. Train wreck. Yeah. I will just say it's ironic that you're substituting the tech piece. But I did like that you took our technical savvy son, Taylor, in his horrible language and brought him in to the kids to talk about cybersecurity, because that's what he does with the Air Force.
U1
23:54
Yeah, 2s he's good. He's a good guest. I think it's important for kids to see, um, people younger than us doing jobs that are related to the things they're learning. Yeah, for
U2
24:09
sure. But then you had all the kids that want to just talk to him about their grandpa being World War II. I thought that was pretty funny, actually. Adorable. It was funny. It was just this one student. He doesn't know what to say. 2s He's like, oh. I was like, you guys can ask Taylor questions or whatever. And then this one boy blessed his little heart. He's like my grandpa was in for World War II. And then Taylor goes.
U1
24:38
Really? He's like, all right, give it up for this guy's. Grandpa. 1s Did he get
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24:44
the class to clap with
U1
24:45
them? They were just laughing and it was funny. But they're 7th graders. 7th graders are goofy.
U2
24:52
How many times did you, uh in a day do you hear the word yeet?
U1
24:58
I don't ever hear that word anymore. That words out gucci. You want to hear? Hear what? I never hear that. But what I do hear is kids. And I hear our kids saying it, which range from 13 to 23. I hear them say, you said what?
U2
25:18
You said what instead? Like,
U1
25:20
Pardon? Literally, excuse me. What was that? Excuse me? Or pardon or whatever. And I literally want to punch
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25:26
everyone. You say what?
U1
25:28
You said
U2
25:29
what? I didn't say what the hell? You say what?
U1
25:32
I did not say what. I said what? I said. 1s Oh
U2
25:37
my gosh. Hey. At what point in life did we get sick of making lunches for the kids?
U1
25:43
M. Well, it was definitely for me last year, early on, when what's the point? Turkey and cheese sandwich. Yeah. After COVID, you're like, Screw it, go eat whatever. He eats cookies and like,
U2
25:59
cheesy bread. Uh, every day.
U1
26:01
Like, I won't he won't even eat. When I went
U2
26:04
to school, they had you bought one lunch buck 50. Here's what it is. No choices. Heart. It was like, this is it. It was your entree. Some corn potatoes, maybe piece of bread on Fridays or Thursday is like a shitty piece of pizza. Actually, no, that's really good PCP. I missed that pizza. But now it's like, yeah, man, what? Three pretzels and some cookies? Like, they can just pick whatever junk they want. Yeah. Ah, that actually annoys me. 1s Well, I'm going to talk about all this stuff with Jimmy. I'm going to see his take on single dad, some of this stuff. But I think it's funnier talking to you, just shooting shit about how school is always annoying us. How many times have you joined the PTO?
U1
26:47
Uh, a couple of times. And then I get roped in and doing stuff I don't want to do.
U2
26:52
Is it the fundraisers or the parties?
U1
26:54
That fundraisers and stuff. And they want to do all this stuff and I get it, man. I get it. You need help. Got it. I am not that person, though. 1s You're a fake teacher. That's enough. At least till Monday. And do things in the moment I don't realize, like, two months from now, I don't want to do that.
U2
27:22
Well, as I wrap this up, feel like we had a really good talk. The kids still asking you out on dates?
U1
27:29
Um, well, I did have to sub at Brody school. Um, the other day was asked for my phone number.
U2
27:38
Simple.
U1
27:40
I did tell them if everyone finished their work, we could do, because everyone kept wanting to ask me questions. I thought said, well, here, if you ever want to get done, I'll do a little Q and A at the end of class. But they didn't get everything done. They're like, what about the Q and A? I was like, 3s so. 2s There's another teacher with the same name as you at your school. And when they announced over the loudspeaker that, hey, Mrs. Barnes was teacher of the Week or was it month? It's the
U2
28:13
month. Teacher of the month. Everyone came up to you and congratulated you. You're a big
U1
28:18
teacher. She's miss Barnes. I'm, um, mrs. Barnes. And they know that, like, they have to say our first name. I knew it was her immediate taboo.
U2
28:28
You don't say first names at school with teachers.
U1
28:30
But they do. Sometimes they do.
U2
28:32
You know, they didn't hear you. And and they said you said what? A
U1
28:35
bunch of my students. You said,
U2
28:37
what? You said, what? Mrs.
U1
28:39
So then a bunch of my students were coming in or like, who don't have Miss Barnes. And we just said last name.
U2
28:47
Yeah, I use my real name all the time. I got, like, eight listeners out there.
U1
28:52
Okay. I guess it's not a big deal. I know. I didn't know
U2
28:56
cybersecurity
U1
28:58
and then, um,
U2
29:00
find you on TikTok.
U1
29:01
Yeah. Some of the students go, I found you on TikTok. I was like, I have, like, two TikToks. It's not no big deal.
U2
29:09
They're smart to go to my TikTok. I film you all the time.
U1
29:13
Well, I should probably check that then.
U2
29:15
I'm kidding.
U1
29:17
Yes. And they're all like I was like, it's not me. It's Hannah.
U2
29:22
Whatever. 2s I was good with the story. Just laughing how people mistake it. You don't have to go into detail. Yeah, I know. So, um, you got any final thoughts? Kids, schools. How much longer we got till we're done with them? We didn't even talk about college. I'm going to say that one for another time.
U1
29:39
Yeah. It's so funny that we can talk about middle school and college.
U2
29:45
Elementary school.
U1
29:47
Yeah.
U2
29:48
Are, um we old?
U1
29:50
I, um, mean, you are, obviously. 2s Obvious. I feel like I should. All
U2
29:58
right, man. If you like this content, a little bonus episode. Be sure to hit like and subscribe. And stay tuned next time for Dads rs podcast for Jimmy and Jesse. Talk
U1
30:06
about sometimes Joni
U2
30:07
and sometimes Joni, the trials and tribulations of dealing with kids, schools, and the kids
U1
30:15
for clarification. Our oldest child graduated from high school with a 4.0 grade point average and attended the University of Arkansas to major in physics. He still says the ahole word a lot. Our other child graduated with a 3.8 grade point average and also attended the University of Arkansas. Our, uh, youngest child is projected to graduate in five years with a grade point average of 3.5 plus or minus zero three. This guess he becomes a plumber when his YouTube career does not take off. Have a blessed day to all the parents of the bad kids.